Category: Pre-Marital

Spirituality and Marriage

Tuesday, 21 February 2012 13:03 Written by Lasandra 0 Comments

Chances are the subject of spirituality has already come up if you’re in the middle of planning a wedding. You and your fiancee´have probably discussed what, if any, religious elements will be included in your ceremony. Having an open dialogue about spirituality is important not only for the wedding, but for your marriage.

How would you define your basic beliefs and doctrines? What about your partner? How important is religion or spirituality to you? Your partner? Do you follow an organized religion or do you take an individual path to spirituality? Are there certain rituals, customs, or holidays you observe? Is your partner on the same page? If not, will you be able to respect each others different views? Is prayer an important part of you or your partner’s life? Do you plan to worship in a specific place? Will you expect your partner to attend with you? If you have children do you envision faith and spirituality being a part of their lives? If so, how? Does your partner agree?

No matter where you are on the spectrum of spirituality it’s important to discuss your views with your fiancee´. Try to actively listen as you allow him or her the same opportunity.

Photo Credit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=587

Parenting: An Important Premarital Discussion

Tuesday, 31 January 2012 19:01 Written by Lasandra 0 Comments

Deciding to get married is one of the biggest decisions a person can make. The decision of whether or not to have children is arguably just as big (if not bigger). That’s why it is vitally important to discuss the issue of parenting with your partner before saying, “I do.” Do you want to have children? Does your partner? Is your answer non-negotiable? It’s best to share your thoughts and feelings openly with your partner about the issue and allow him or her the same opportunity.

You may be thinking, “We both definitely want kids. No issues here!” While that may be true there are a number of other things to consider including in your discussion. How many children do each of you want? How would you like to space them? Who will handle discipline in your house and how will it be done? What about childcare? Will you both be working or will one parent stay home with the child(ren)? Do you (or your partner) plan to raise your kids in a particular faith?

Perhaps you or your partner already have kid(s) from a previous relationship. Parenting is still an important topic to discuss. Just because he already has children doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll be open to having another one. Don’t leave anything to assumption. Also, when blending a family you’ll want to discuss who and how the discipline of the children will be handled.

Hopefully these questions are just a sample of an ongoing discussion you and your partner are already having. You may not be exactly on the same page for every question. The important thing is having the discussion and knowing where you each stand on things. In some cases, you may not know how you feel about an issue until it comes up. Or, as it does for many people, your feelings about an issue may change once you actually have children. Building the foundation for a healthy dialogue now will allow you to continue to have healthy conversations as you experience the journey together.

Photo Credit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2125

Resolving Conflict in Your Marriage

Tuesday, 24 January 2012 09:57 Written by Lasandra 0 Comments

If you’ve been with your partner for any length of time chances are you’ve had your fair share of disagreements. Conflict is inevitable in any marriage. The important thing is knowing how to handle the conflict when it comes up. Below are just a few tools you can use in your marriage to improve healthy conflict resolution skills.

1. Remember that the goal is resolution – not to hurt each other. With that in mind it’s important to avoid name calling or personal character attacks. If the argument moves in that direction you or your partner will quickly become defensive and it will no longer be about the discussion at hand.

2. Watch your words. Remember that “I” statements are often better received than “you” statements. For example, stating “I feel hurt when we don’t spend time together” versus “You never spend any time with me.” You statements are very accusing and will again put your partner on the defense. Your partner is not a mind-reader so you’ll need to clue them in to your feelings anyway. Also, it’s best to avoid words like “always” and “never.” Keep the discussion current by talking about whatever the particular issue at hand is. Avoid throwing in old issues.

3. Maintain an open mind. Ultimately, it’s not about “your way” versus “my way.” It’s about finding “our way.” Reaching an agreement together requires both parties to be fully committed to keeping an open mind and be willing to compromise. That means both need to participate in the discussion with full attention. Put down the remote or turn off the cell phone if it’s an important issue. Be an active listener and take the time to try and understand your partner’s point of view.

Photo Credit: David Castillo Dominici http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=3062

Communication is Key

Wednesday, 18 January 2012 11:34 Written by Lasandra 0 Comments

You’ve heard it said before that communication is the key to any good relationship. But have you ever really stopped to think about just how multifaceted communication is? More than half of our daily communication is non-verbal. That includes everything from tone, facial expressions, and even our moments of silence in conversation. Take a look at the picture to the left. What does the woman’s body language seem to be saying? How about the distance between them on the couch? It’s impossible to know exactly what she’s thinking or feeling without being in the room, but the truth is sometimes even when you’re in the same room as your partner it can be challenging to understand and communicate effectively.

Communication styles are, in part, learned behaviors. For example, an individual who grows up in a very stoic household may have a difficult time as an adult being open about his or her feelings and emotions because they were viewed early on as a sign of weakness and because there was not an early example of how to do so. If this individual marries someone who craves sharing feelings and experiences openly and routinely there can be challenges.

Fortunately, couples can work towards understanding their individual communication styles and needs and those of their partner’s. Through that process they can begin to adapt when necessary. Perhaps you and your partner have different concepts of what it means to “respectfully communicate” – one may view a raised tone in an argument as threatening or disrespectful while the other views it as being passionate about the topic at hand. Taking the time to really understand how your partner communicates can help you to understand how best to communicate with them.

The quantity and quality of your communication can also have ups and downs during the course of your relationship. It’s important to invest in each other and make it a priority to talk and listen. Beginning the process of truly exploring how to effectively communicate with your partner now can help lay the foundation for a healthy marriage.

Photo Credit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1499

Let’s Talk About Sex…

Tuesday, 10 January 2012 22:05 Written by Lasandra 0 Comments

Any premarital series would be remiss without discussing sex. It’s a vital part of marriage. Regardless of whether you and your partner have been sexually involved with each other for years or have remained abstinent – a professional may help shed light on areas you haven’t even thought about discussing. Are you able to communicate openly with your partner about sexual needs and wants? Is your partner? Take a look at some of the discussion topics below which are frequently used in premarital counseling.

- Desired frequency of sexual intercourse

- Preferred sexual positions

- Feelings about marital aids such as erotic films and sexual toys

- Sexually unusual behavior

- Sexual handicaps

- Sexual preferences

- Specific behaviors that turn you and your partner on

- Personal definitions for intimacy

Have you discussed each of these topics with your partner? What do you do if you have different opinions about them? What if your opinions change? As with most things, it’s best not to assume you know how your fiance feels about an issue. Premarital counseling gives you the opportunity to dialogue about intimate issues in a safe environment.

* Photo credit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2125