How would you define your basic beliefs and doctrines?  What about your partner?  How important is religion or spirituality to you?  Your partner?  Do you follow an organized religion or do you take an individual path to spirituality?  Are there certain rituals, customs, or holidays you observe?  Is your partner on the same page?  If not, will you be able to respect each others different views?  Is prayer an important part of you or your partner’s life?   Do you plan to worship in a specific place?  Will you expect your partner to attend with you?  If you have children do you envision faith and spirituality being a part of their lives?  If so, how?  Does your partner agree?

No matter where you are on the spectrum of spirituality it’s important to discuss your views with your fiancee´.  Try to actively listen as you allow him or her the same opportunity.

Photo Credit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=587

1.  Deployment – Fear of deployment may be a constant for some military members, their spouses, and children.  Not knowing when, if, or for how long can be stressful.  Though you may have signed up for this by joining the military or marrying a member of the military the reality of it may be harder than you imagined.  Once deployment orders have been given couples may experience tension in the relationship due to anxiety about what’s to come.  Children may begin acting out for the same reason.  Once the family member is deployed spouses may have difficulty adjusting to new duties around the home and may feel overwhelmed by handling the homefront alone.  Many find it helpful to include the deployed spouse in parenting decision making whenever possible.  The separation can also make it difficult to maintain a level of intimacy both partners desire.  Additionally, families may experience financial strains during deployment.  This may come in part as a result of having to work out new child care arrangements.  Spouses and children alike may fear heavily for the safety of their loved one.  Limiting exposure to constant news sources may be helpful.  Unfortunately, the challenges may not end with the deployment. The returning soldier may have difficulty adjusting to the changes that have taken place in the family while gone.  It may take some time getting used to the new independence his or her spouse has acquired while they were gone.  Of course if the soldier returns wounded, physically or emotionally, it may also be a challenging time of transition.

2.  Frequently Relocating – This can also place tremendous stress on military families.  Spouses and children may feel their lives are constantly being interrupted.  Having to change jobs, neighborhoods, and schools means having to make new friends.  This can be tough for everyone involved.  Also, because the military issues the orders it may feel like a loss of control of your own life.  It’s important for family members to discuss their feelings with one another which can ultimately help make the transition smoother.

The good news is there are a number of great resources available to help military families handle the unique stress they experience.  Support groups are available online and throughout communities all over the country.  Also, many find it helpful to quickly connect with other military families in their neighborhood, schools, and churches as soon as they move so that they have people around them who understand their experiences.  If a support system of family and friends is not enough, professional help is always available.

You may be thinking, “We both definitely want kids.  No issues here!”  While that may be true there are a number of other things to consider including in your discussion.  How many children do each of you want?  How would you like to space them?  Who will handle discipline in your house and how will it be done?  What about childcare?  Will you both be working or will one parent stay home with the child(ren)?  Do you (or your partner) plan to raise your kids in a particular faith?

Perhaps you or your partner already have kid(s) from a previous relationship.  Parenting is still an important topic to discuss.  Just because he already has children doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll be open to having another one.  Don’t leave anything to assumption.  Also, when blending a family you’ll want to discuss who and how the discipline of the children will be handled.

Hopefully these questions are just a sample of an ongoing discussion you and your partner are already having.  You may not be exactly on the same page for every question.  The important thing is having the discussion and knowing where you each stand on things.  In some cases, you may not know how you feel about an issue until it comes up.  Or, as it does for many people, your feelings about an issue may change once you actually have children.  Building the foundation for a healthy dialogue now will allow you to continue to have healthy conversations as you experience the journey together.

Photo Credit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2125

Going through a divorce can be incredibly painful.  It may be the toughest storm you’ve ever had to weather.  The financial and emotional stress can be hard to bear and the transition from “we” to “me” may feel like going through an identity crisis.  If you’re accustomed to thinking of yourself as one half of a larger whole this is the time to remind yourself that you are a unique and complete individual all of your own.  It’s a major life alteration and, although it may not feel like it at the moment, there can indeed be a truly full and happy life after divorce.  While on the road of transition here are a few things to keep in mind:

1.  Give yourself the freedom to mourn.  Going through a divorce may feel like you’ve experienced a death.  That’s because, in a sense, you have.  Divorce is the death of a marriage and perhaps the lifestyle you envisioned. The feelings you experience may be similar to those in the stages of grief and loss.  Recognize that this is normal and may take some time.

2.  Lean heavily into your support system.  That means allowing friends and family to be there for you when you’re ready.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help or to take advantage of their offers.  Spending time with others during this painful time can help decrease feelings of loneliness.  Also, many people find divorce support groups to be helpful.  Seek one out in your local community if you feel it would be beneficial to spend time with others who have experienced similar pain.

3. Monitor your thoughts.  Though you are experiencing pain, it’s important to take note of the messages you are sending yourself.  Positivity is a powerful tool.  Recognize that thoughts like “my life is over” aren’t factually true – your life is not over.  Acknowledge that it may feel that way and then try to reframe it in a positive way such as “this is an opportunity for a new beginning for me.”  Perhaps take some time to reflect on goals you had before you were married or personal passions that have been left behind.  Then, take advantage of the opportunity to put them back into practice.

4.  Know when to seek professional help.  If you feel like you are unable to move beyond your grief it may be time to reach out.  If you or loved ones begin to notice symptoms of depression in you or your children or if you simply feel it would be beneficial to talk to an objective third party to help guide you on your new path in life don’t hesitate.

There is life after divorce.  How will you choose to spend it?

Photo Credit:  http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=732

1.  Remember that the goal is resolution – not to hurt each other. With that in mind it’s important to avoid name calling or personal character attacks.  If the argument moves in that direction you or your partner will quickly become defensive and it will no longer be about the discussion at hand.

2.  Watch your words. Remember that “I” statements are often better received than “you” statements.  For example, stating “I feel hurt when we don’t spend time together” versus “You never spend any time with me.”  You statements are very accusing and will again put your partner on the defense.  Your partner is not a mind-reader so you’ll need to clue them in to your feelings anyway.   Also, it’s best to avoid words like “always” and “never.”  Keep the discussion current by talking about whatever the particular issue at hand is.  Avoid throwing in old issues.

3.  Maintain an open mind. Ultimately, it’s not about “your way” versus “my way.”  It’s about finding “our way.”  Reaching an agreement together requires both parties to be fully committed to keeping an open mind and be willing to compromise.  That means both need to participate in the discussion with full attention.  Put down the remote or turn off the cell phone if it’s an important issue.  Be an active listener and take the time to try and understand your partner’s point of view.

Photo Credit: David Castillo Dominici  http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=3062

There are signs to look for that can help identify problems in the marriage before resulting in infidelity.  The key is to address them directly in order to save your relationship.  If your partner says things like, “I’m not happy”, “This isn’t working” or “I wish things were like they used to be” he or she may be crying out for help.  It’s important to acknowledge that cry and seek professional assistance.  An objective, nonjudgmental third party can help guide things down a path of recovery.  Sneaking around, a history of cheating, and sudden unexplained interest in personal appearance may also be red flags.  Again, it’s important to address these signs head-on.

Maybe your situation has already moved beyond warning signs and the infidelity became a reality.  You may be wondering why your partner cheated or how to move on from here.  The reasons can be as varied as the individuals involved, but there is some evidence to suggest men typically cheat for sexual reasons while women cheat for emotional reasons.  With that said – the opposite can also be true (men cheat for emotional reasons and women for sexual).  However, knowing the reason probably won’t provide much comfort.  If both parties are committed to saving the relationship it can become stronger than before.  It may take a lot of time, space, and professional help to repair the trust that was broken, but take hope in knowing that it can be done.

Communication styles are, in part, learned behaviors.  For example, an individual who grows up in a very stoic household may have a difficult time as an adult being open about his or her feelings and emotions because they were viewed early on as a sign of weakness and because there was not an early example of how to do so.  If this individual marries someone who craves sharing feelings and experiences openly and routinely there can be challenges.

Fortunately, couples can work towards understanding their individual communication styles and needs and those of their partner’s.  Through that process they can begin to adapt when necessary.  Perhaps you and your partner have different concepts of what it means to “respectfully communicate” – one may view a raised tone in an argument as threatening or disrespectful while the other views it as being passionate about the topic at hand.  Taking the time to really understand how your partner communicates can help you to understand how best to communicate with them.

The quantity and quality of your communication can also have ups and downs during the course of your relationship.  It’s important to invest in each other and make it a priority to talk and listen.  Beginning the process of truly exploring how to effectively communicate with your partner now can help lay the foundation for a healthy marriage.

Photo Credit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=1499

- Desired frequency of sexual intercourse

- Preferred sexual positions

- Feelings about marital aids such as erotic films and sexual toys

- Sexually unusual behavior

- Sexual handicaps

- Sexual preferences

- Specific behaviors that turn you and your partner on

- Personal definitions for intimacy

Have you discussed each of these topics with your partner?  What do you do if you have different opinions about them?  What if your opinions change?  As with most things, it’s best not to assume you know how your fiance feels about an issue.  Premarital counseling gives you the opportunity to dialogue about intimate issues in a safe environment.

* Photo credit: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2125

Have you thought about how much time you plan to spend with your family after you’re married?  Have you discussed it with your partner?  Do you know how much time he or she wants to spend with their own family?  Maybe you anticipate seeing your family once a week while your partner would prefer something less frequent.  Perhaps you’d like to go as a couple to extended family gatherings, but your partner is more comfortable staying at home while you go alone.

Then there’s the issue of holidays.  Will you spend them separate from your families of origin?  Will you split the holidays and spend the morning with your family while you spend the afternoon with the in-laws?  Or, for example, will you alternate holidays – spending Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other?  Will these arrangements change if you have kids?

Then we come back to money (see our previous post).  How important is it to you to be financially independent from your parents and your in-laws?  Is it just as important to your partner?  Your partner may be quick to turn to parents or grandparents for a loan while you may want to avoid it at all costs (or vice versa).  Or perhaps you have different views on whether or not you want to loan money to other family members.  Maybe for one of you it’s important because it’s a family member, while the other finds it difficult because it’s the third loan and you’ve never received any of the money back.

Also important to discuss is the issue of elder parent care.  For some of you, this may be far off and hard to think about.  However, for some this may be close at hand or an issue tied with strong emotions.  Should either set of parents get to a place where they are no longer able to live independently do you know what living arrangements you or your partner would be comfortable with?  If they need full-time care would you be more comfortable with them living with you or in an assisted living facility?  Would you pay for the facility?

None of the above questions are designed to scare you.  Instead, the hope is that they will act as a springboard for conversation with your partner.  Take some time to think about where you stand on some of the issues, share them with your partner, and listen to their views.

Be sure to check back next week as we discuss our next topic: Sex.

With this in mind, it’s important to openly explore issues of money with your partner before even getting married.  Perhaps the best place to start is at the beginning.  Take a close look at your upbringing and how it compares to that of your partner’s with regards to money.  Were your parents major savers or spenders?  Was debt commonplace or something avoided at all costs?  Did they combine incomes or keep them separate?  Most money behaviors are learned so it’s important to explore your pasts together and determine how they have shaped your views.

Continue your exploration into the past by discussing credit.  It’s important to be honest with your partner about past financial mistakes.  If you decide to pool your money together then one person’s debt becomes that of both individuals.  It’s best not to have surprises in this area after saying “I do.”  Do you have a plan to manage the debt?  The sooner you discuss the better.

Next, take a look at the logistics of money management in a marriage.  Who will handle paying the bills?  Will you set financial goals together?  What are those financial goals?  How will you develop specific plans to save (for a home, children, vacations or other luxury items, retirement, etc)?  Will every purchase be made after consultation with your partner or will you develop a specific dollar amount that deems it a “big ticket item” which requires consultation with your partner?  What will that dollar amount be?

The truth is you won’t be able to predict every potential disagreement about money before you get married.  The important thing is knowing how to communicate with your partner when those disagreements come up.  So ten years from now when your step-daughter turns 16 and asks your spouse to buy her a car and he’s ready to sign on the dotted line while you’d prefer to make her work for it herself – you’ll want to know how to discuss your views in a way that won’t damage your marriage.  Or when you discover that your partner’s desire to eat lunch out everyday is making a significant dent in the savings towards a down payment on a house – you’ll need to find a way to come together on the issue.  Money will inevitably play a role in every marriage.  Premarital counseling can help you to identify problem areas and give you the tools to communicate about them throughout the course of your marriage.

Check back later this week for our next topic in our premarital series: In-laws.

*http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/07/money-fights-predict-divorce-rates/